Tofu Bourgignon

I'm going to stay with my parents next week so I was unable to further delay breaking the news to them that not only I have gone back to being a vegetarian but I'm pretty much only eating products derived from plants so technically speaking am 99% vegan. The 1% is the occasional egg from my own free-range, home-bred, scrap-fed chickens. The reasons I was reluctant to inform my mother may become apparent if I type out our telephone conversation from this evening:

Mum: I've been Googling veganism and I've got some really good ideas. We're having the family over and I'm roasting a lovely leg of lamb for us.
Sarah: I'll just have the veggies, like I said in the email. Don't make anything special.
M: I got in some tofu and I thought you could make yourself a tofu Bourgignon.
S: It's very kind of you to get in some tofu but honestly, I'd be happy with the roast potatoes and veg.
M: Or I got in some lentils, chickpeas and nuts so you could make yourself a crumble. A vegan crumble! I found a recipe on the internet.
S: Thanks for that; maybe I'll see how I feel when I get there.
M: So you'll be here at 3 o'clock? I've filled the top shelf of the fridge with vegan cheese in case you want to make yourself a sandwich.
S: I hope you didn't get too much stuff in, Mum, I'll only be there for two meals.
M: Well I thought if there is anything left over you could put it in your suitcase and take it back to France with you. I got a packet of vegan mozzarella, some vegan Cheddar and a spreadable vegan cheese which looks just like Dairylea.
S: Thanks Mum, that's great. I'm only bringing handbaggage but I can try to fit something in.
M: Now I wasn't sure which milk to get, so I bought a litre of soy, a litre of almond and a litre of oat milk.
S: They're all nice, sounds like there'll be plenty so you could try some almond milk on your porridge.
M: That reminds me, what are you having for breakfast? I've got some porridge sachets in and some raisins. Shall I go and get you some quinoa so you can make quinoa porridge?
S: Normal porridge would be fine or just a piece of toast, honestly don't worry.
M: What is quinoa like? Is it disgusting?
S: It's ok with the right sauce but it's not as nice as couscous.
M: (Sounding surprised) Do you eat couscous?
S: Yes -anything that comes from a plant, nothing that comes from an animal.
M: (Sounding affronted) Well yes, I do understand the basic principle.
S: I haven't found it restrictive at all. I made some mince pies last night with veggie mincemeat and just used margarine instead of butter.
M: (Lengthy pause) You can eat pastry?
S: Made without butter, yes.
M: What are you cooking tonight?
S: Chickpea and beetroot falafel with homemade flatbreads and mint dressing.
M: What are the children having?
S: The same, they are really enjoying everything.
M: Well I suppose they're getting proper food at school. Anyway, I've got in some soya yoghurts too. They're on the vegan shelf of the fridge. When you get here I thought we could go to the supermarket and I can show you the vegan sausages. You can take some back with you.
S: I can get them over here, Mum, don't worry. I won't have much room in my bag.
M: We could get you some for breakfast.
S: No, really, porridge would be lovely and I'm trying not to eat too many meat-replacements because they can be a bit processed.
M: Well the vegan mozzarella does look like witchety grubs. Maybe I shouldn't have bought it?
S: No, no, it will be delicious I'm sure. Thank you for going to so much trouble. See you on Tuesday.
M: See you on Tuesday. Just let yourself in the front door. With a key. And don't forget to help yourself to food if you're hungry.
S: Are you going to be out?
M: No, I want to be there when you arrive.
S: OK, bye!
M: Bye Darling; top shelf of the fridge! OK, bye!